Evil Forces in the World

Reflections on ''Evil Forces in the World,'' as well as occasional remarks concerning ''Good Forces in the World.''

Saturday, February 23, 2002

Super Troopers is the best movie ever.

I cannot believe how great Super Troopers happens to be.

It must be a sham, or a lie.

It is too good.

It is too good.

I will now add this to my "blog."

Thursday, February 21, 2002

Ben Soskis, author of a number of fine articles and, overall, a great American and force for good, is leaving The New Republic magazine as of today to pursue his academic interests. It is a damn shame.

Wednesday, February 20, 2002

Sometimes doing something as harmless as just watching the Olympics on TV on a Wednesday night can really bring me down, man. Case in point: tonight's short sprint ice skating final. I watched, with a bit of sadness, a fellow South Korean competitor ("brutha") be stripped of the gold medal for "cheating" (according to Olympic officials). Boo. This meant allowing just yet another US skater win yet another gold medal. Boo. But wait, the winner was a half-Asian, half-Caucasian guy. Woo-hoo! But wait, the dude had a soul patch. Boo. Indeed, comrades, sometimes the forces of evil can be very hard to discern, deceptive with their layers of artifice.

What the hell is happening to the planet?

The forces of evil are on the march, my friends. And said forces are wearing sturdy, all-weather boots. Evil is mighty.

Who likes cookies? Ever since I was a wee tyke, I've loved Chips Ahoy! My goodness, these are, without question, the finest cookies ever made. Having sampled many cookies in many nations, I know of that which I speak.

(1) For a very long time, I would only eat the blue bag originals with whole milk. At around this time, I was also drinking roughly a gallon of milk every 1.25 days. (Remarkably enough, I did not become enormously fat during this period.) Specifically, I would hold on the very edge of the cookie in question and place as much of it as I could in the milk -- a maximal, or near-maximal, dunking strategy. Sometimes I would my fingertips to enter the milk. This was less risky. You see, cookies would collapse every now and again, thus forcing me to fish through the large glass of milk to retrieve the remains of the cookie.

(2) Realizing that my traditional dunking approach led to massive cookie casualties, I started first placing the cookie in my mouth and only then drinking milk, which would then drench the cookie and give me the same soaked-through goodness.

(3) But then I left home for college and my love affair with milk drew to a close. For a time, I had blue bag cookies with water. I soon moved on to the Chewy Chips Ahoy! The red bad cookies, that is. And that's where I am at present, though I often consider going back to the blue bag. Why the hell not?

If you don't believe that Chips Ahoy! is a damn good force, go and try some of these recipes in your home or commune or pod.
"I've got the need ... the NEED for SPEED!!!" Let me be absolutely clear about something: as far as I'm concerned, Top Gun movie references are positively forces of good in the universe. For starters, it put the slang "mig" on the US cultural map, such as if you are feeling stressed out by people or priorities, you say "hey man, I've got two migs on my ass." Likewise, a friend of mine recently suggested that first year students in Ph.D. programs identify themselves by Top-Gun-like names, like "Maverick" and "Ice Man." The only non-Force-of-Good aspect to Top Gun: Goose dying. Heartbreaking man.

Tuesday, February 19, 2002

Nexis isn't working. On a Tuesday no less! That is flat-out wicked, and even evil. At least it's not Thursday -- in a crash!
Global warming: Good or evil? I will return to this matter.

I saw Birthday Girl last night and my feelings are decidedly mixed. It was good, yes -- but was it "good"? That is, could it be counted on to counteract the forces of evil? I doubt it. Even so, it was entertaining. It was also, I must say, rather sobering.

And you know what is, unequivocally and without question, good? Apple juice. Also, apple sauce. "Porkchops and applesauce."

Monday, February 18, 2002

Something so utterly awful as to be evil happened earlier today. I would've written, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. The wounds were still too raw even an hour ago, but now the (metaphorical) scar tissue is forming and I can confront the sad fact that, in a particularly frenzied eBay exchange, I was defeated -- crushed, really -- in my efforts to secure issues 1-31 of Strikeforce: Morituri, a short-lived comic book series that, despite moments of brilliance, never lived up to its full potential -- in large part, I suspect, because it never found the audience it deserved. That said, it was perhaps the most original and entertaining work of speculative fiction I've come across in my twenty-two years of being an awkward goon.

And I mean this very sincerely. Strikeforce made me laugh and it made me cry. No, it didn't quite make me cry, but House Party 2 did, which I can't even begin to justify. I think it had something to do with the fact that one of the protagonists -- either Kid or Play -- was being unfairly accused of being a wastrel, malingerer, or cad, which always gets my goat.

Can't you see?
I realized today, after a good deal of contemplation, that diseases are totally and unequivocally forces of evil. In particular, I would like to single out gastral intestinal reflux. Damn, gastral intestinal reflux is so goddamn evil. I would also like to add that the common cold is also decidedly a force of evil. Vaccines, however, and the men and women who administer them -- "doctors" -- are very much forces of good. Well compensated forces of good, but forces of good nonetheless. Bacteria are just bacteria: neither necessarily good nor evil.
Man, it's Presidents' Day. Damn! Speaking of which, Hoover gets a bum rap. Let's see you feed a bunch of damn Belgians on the cheap! Trust me, they'll soon start asking for butter, salt, and sugar in their grits, which is to say they'll eat you out of house and home.

Don't let this happen to you.

Sleep deprivation, incidentally, is evil. And why is that? Think of the children. Also, think of the teens.

Boy, the teens should probably be wearing more clothing this days. It is winter in the Northern Hemisphere after all! Not too much, however, as that might be stifling, not to mention stifling.

Foresmost among the burning controversies of our time is the question of Chipotle: good or evil? Full disclosure: I purchase at least one item from Chipotle on at least four out of seven days of the week, and so I consider myself something of a Chipotle afficionado. Having spread across the country Blitzkrieg-style, the question may soon become moot; in short order, there is good reason to believe that, good or evil, Chipotle will achieve the total world domination sought by the Soviets and, subsequently, various alien empires. Mind you, it is likely that total Chipotle domination wouldn't be so bad -- certainly not as bad as having Russian troops invade middle America, which would leave us all wearing drab colors. We'd certainly be well-fed.

Sunday, February 17, 2002

I'm currently thinking hard about the problems of adaptation. Now, I like the classics as much as the next fellow, but I'm not sure artists such as Sarah Kane or Chuck Mee are being at all honest with themselves or with audiences when they claim to be adapting the Greeks. They rather seem intent on hiding the shortcomings of their own disorganized--frequently polemical--writing by giving it a canonical name. There's nothing wrong with breathing fresh life into something badly in need of it, but let's call a spade a spade, an adapation as such, and schmendricks such as Mee just pure evil.
Surely evil forces are at work when a crematory negligently disposes of corpses over a number of years.