I'm so salubrious
Go ahead, wrap me in some cellophane
You are still inane
Though you bathe in champagne
And reign
Over what had been the Habsburg domain
From Spain to Roman-
ia, steer clear
Of me
Because your fear
Is justified, you countrified
Citified fried steak
I drive a stake
Through your heart
Nickel and dime you, like Woolworth's
Which begat K-Mart, and WalMart
Roland Barth-
olomew de las Casas
What's with the fracas?
Is this New York, or is this Caracas,
Venezuela, Consuela
That's what I'll name my daughter
But I am less likely to propagate
Than to transform into an otter
My mug is widely known, appears on many police blotters
Might as
Well
Bury myself in EDGE shaving gel
Ma Bell
Tolls for thee,
Erstwhile Regional Bell Operating Company
Or should I say R-B-O-C,
Orange County
Paid me a bounty
To apprehend you, much quicker than Canadian Mounties
Who wear red, like a lady who was allegedly dancing with me
But that has yet to be proven conclusively
I'm so salubrious, see?
No tolerance for Schickelgrubers,
Killah Bee
Can't I be
Me, and use homonyms in condominiums
With condiments, compliments of Conrad Hilton?
While Nicky and Paris, they always jiltin'
Zhlubs, readin' Paradise Lost by Milton
Bradley,
The proverbial Operation on my brain
Went badly
And so, sadly,
I'm resigned to my paddywagon,
Raggin' on royalty, my hospital-issued pants
Saggin'
Been
Laggin' behind
since the first grade
First rate, playa-hate, checkmate
Renegade, "Sling Blade"
Doctor, doctor!
Helicopter, SAT II proctor
I mocked her
But then she socked me, clocked me
And yet I'm so salubrious, you can never rock me

I should preface by pointing out that this is grossly inappropriate; it is the product of an ill-disciplined mind run amok, and I ask for your forgiveness in advance. Despite appearances to the contrary, my sense of decency has not gone AWOL. I do support this armed intervention, and I do believe that coalition forces are formidable and poised to achieve victory. That said, I do not think that this is the time for petulant rhyming provocations from the mouths of civilian boobs like myself. I have no excuse.

Gulf War II rap
Despite the hostilities
I'm still at ease
Because our capabilities
Are phat
And ya'll are acting like you didn't know that
Splat, go your Fedayeen
Who may seem mean
But we're setting the scene
For their obliteration
Son, so don't be impatient
We may be bogged down
Outside Najaf and Basra
But we'll crush Baathists
Like Godzilla crushed Mothra