You're not ethnic enough
Part I: Strategic essentialism to the critique of relativism
Eh yo, you're too milquetoast
I.e., you're too lightly toasted
Don't boast, it's
Unbecoming, and Why're you slumming?
Coming all up in my area
Is it to cross cultural barriers?
You are liable to contract diptheria
And dysentary
It's very scary
But I've got nary a care
About health care, Har-
ry and Louise ain't got nothin' on my immunities
Brother, please
I see you with your "natural" and your daishikis
Wearin' saris
And sarongs, kickin' it with Bengalis
And Somalis, you study Sanskrit and Pali
Vacation in Goa and Bali
Plus thesis research in Mali, then Maui
But you know that's how we
Do, I see through you
Being half-Czech or Irish doesn't make you ethnic, dude
At a stretch, Mediterranean cats can pass, true
But not you, direct descendant of King Canute
Decked out in a zoot suit
Listenin' to indie pop poop
You use Dep and other hair goop
Go "hang on a sloop-
y, sloopy hang on"
While I get my slang on
Just like the Big L song, "also cribs is homes,
Jacks is pay phones"
All you eat are scones,
And cucumber sandwiches
In the Civil War, your ancestors fought on the wrong side of the battle for Natchez,
Mississippi
You damn guilt-ridden hippies, a source of much hilarity
Brown peoples want free trade, you give them solidarity
Well, dankeschoen for nada
Enjoy your regatta
I've gotta
Smack you in the head,
Leave you for dead
I know you're well-intentioned, but did you hear what you just said?
"We don't understand their culture
Perhaps they like being ruled by dictators, and other rapacious vultures?"
I will compost you, using rakes and hoes and mulchers

Cool it, hothead
Did you just call me Nino?
Drinking too much vino
You talkin' to me, No
Of course not, you're Blot-
To, go back to your grotto
Eisuke Sato
Not NATO
I don't hate the French, no
How can you hate baguettes and dope clothes?
I didn't think so
Blofeld
This is how Bobo felt
And yes, I mean the clown
Just stay cool, settle down
This is no time to paint the town
Red, or mauve or chartreuse
It's time to vamoose
And read Proust, boost
Your cultural literacy, and drink more juice
Improve yourself, because there's no time like the present
Eat more greens, don't just eat venison and pheasant

Public health
While all ya'll depilate
I debilitate
Your natural state
Is to have a bald pate
And at this rate
You soon will
"Long after the thrill,
Of living is gone"
It's wrong
As is this outbreak of SARS in Hong Kong
So don't be a fool: keep that mask on

Shut up!
Billy Crudup, what up?
You and George Rupp
El presidente,
I eat that al dente
Unless it's Lent, eh?
Say what you've gotta say
Make macramé
If you must,
I bust trusts
Make a ruckus and cause a fuss
Mustee, mustiphini
Eating blinis
What we need is
Some more Reihan
Crush you like a python
Paisan
My song
It moves throngs
Eat salad with my hand, and not tongs
I right wrongs
With two prongs
While you suckers are playing PONG
It's barely digital
But still, my digits will
Poke you until
You are nothing, zero, nil
Shaquille O'Neal
For real